a dearth of signs ([info]prosphoros) wrote,
@ 2009-07-12 18:23:00
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envy
If I'm honest with myself (an ongoing project), I can admit to a lot of envy for a lot of people, in simple, straight forward ways; I wish I could do/have X like person Z"*. More and more lately, it's not a tool utilized to punish myself for... whatever; like James Dean, my historical answer has tended to be, "What do ya got?". So, envy, for what it's worth, feels like progress. If you're reading this, odds are good you're on the list of the envied.

But I think most of the time, I realize it's an unbalanced way of seeing the world and the people in it, a one way syllogism, if you will. I can see the enviable traits in others, and I can envy them, but I may be blind to the enviable traits I possess (assuming they're there).

So, you know, maybe this is a desperate plea for some ego love, or maybe it's a struggle for balanced perspective (honestly, probably bits of both), but if you're so inclined, I'm curious what, if anything, might be enviable about me. Who knows, maybe we can swap perspectives for a bit, and maybe get better together.





*which is very different than jealousy or spite; I don't have X like person Z, and I want to take it away from them/wish they didn't have it either"

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[info]kittenspeaks
2009-07-12 10:41 pm UTC (link)
I envy your intellect. You have this amazing ability to take just about anything and find reason to it. Even the things about which you are emotional and impassioned you can find a calm steadiness in being able to approach them.

I also envy your relationship with J. She is such an incredible woman and you both certainly deserve the love and loyalty you have found.
But it is something I have never had. The love that people have had for me (and I speak in a romantic love kind of way) has always been based on being able to dump their issues in my lap. As soon as I had issues to dump they bailed.

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[info]prosphoros
2009-07-14 01:09 am UTC (link)
The thing about the brain (or at least my brain) is that it's a sharp, dangerous tool that cuts the wielder, often deeply, in any implementation. After a while, you (I) grow to expect it, but still, it'd be nice to not bleed so much, you know?

As for you, you're like the energizer bunny; no matter what hits you, you get up and keep on going. I quit things a lot (or don't try), so from my perspective, it's impressive.

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Just a somewhat distant perspective, but...
[info]celticmoni
2009-07-12 11:34 pm UTC (link)
Your uncanny ability to understand people. Speaking from (albeit limited) personal experience, you seem to be able to effortlessly extrapolate and distill issues others may be having, in order that they may see them more clearly, and more appropriately confront them.

I wish I could bottle and store your simplified perspectives on things, and carry them with me.

Would make my life *so* much easier.

;)

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Re: Just a somewhat distant perspective, but...
[info]prosphoros
2009-07-14 01:11 am UTC (link)
As I said to the previous commenter, it comes at a price. The distilled results are often clear, but the heat and pressure in the alembic are pretty high.

You've got... focus isn't the right word, but it's close. Maybe the result of necessity, maybe not, but I'm always all over the place, all the time. Prolonged focus isn't something I understand from the inside.

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Re: Just a somewhat distant perspective, but...
[info]celticmoni
2009-07-14 01:45 am UTC (link)
Well, there is, truly, no growth without pain.

Not sayin I *liked* some of the things you made me see, but, I *am* better off for it.

:)

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[info]eyeintheskye
2009-07-13 12:25 am UTC (link)
I'm down with the ego love. :) But not being able to see any enviable traits in yourself, that's preposterous!
You're very intelligent and well spoken with a tremendous vocabulary. Also quick witted, great conversationalist, and fun at parties. I envy all those things, as well as your love/knowledge of music. Other things I think people would be enviable for would be your height, physical strength, nice body, and emotional depth (I have all those things, so I'm not jealous :P)
From the time we hooked up, I also know you're good in bed (another :P, it's hard for me to maintain seriousness for long, hehe. And for anyone who doesn't know me, it's not a poke at A., we've never hooked up ((but maybe someday!)).

Honestly, I have some level of jealously with everyone I know. It even makes me hate my friends, just a little. Sad to admit, but true.

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[info]prosphoros
2009-07-14 01:14 am UTC (link)
Aw, thanks. I think I get the jealousy/envy of friends; it makes being around them difficult, sometimes, but it's usually better than being alone, for me.

I think it's awesome that everybody genuinely likes you. Seriously, I don't know anyone I know who's ever met you who didn't like you. I'm often difficult and have been known to rub people the wrong way, so it looks damned valuable to me. Plus, you're taller and skinnier than me, you attenuated bastard :)

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[info]fairyhead
2009-07-14 01:19 pm UTC (link)
I think everyone experiences jealousy at their friends. I do. And, sometimes the hurtiness of that does spill into anger and something pretty close to hatred. Logically, I know that most have worked as hard as I have and/or paid just as heavy a price as I do for where and who I am right now. But, emotionally, it doesn't seem that way, rather that everyone has an easier time, which gets me really wound up and very lonely.

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[info]sororbabylon
2009-07-13 03:12 am UTC (link)
Your good looks and charming personality. Seriously!

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[info]prosphoros
2009-07-14 01:19 am UTC (link)
Ah, you've only seen me in happy circumstances; honestly, I'm one moody motherfucker. And the looks thing is hard; I see myself through filters that maybe others don't always, but for me, there are (possibly artificial or unnecessary) linkages between what I have, and the meaning assigned to them, and I'm not clever enough yet to undo that.

You have this thing (in my limited experience) of being able to jump right the fuck in, and trust that things are going to work out well, or at least interestingly. There's a level of trust and commitment that I just don't get, but would like to.

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[info]sororbabylon
2009-07-14 01:22 am UTC (link)
You have this thing (in my limited experience) of being able to jump
right the fuck in, and trust that things are going to work out well, or
at least interestingly. There's a level of trust and commitment that I
just don't get, but would like to.

You can blame Pre-Heat for that. ;)

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[info]fairyhead
2009-07-13 04:04 pm UTC (link)
1. your freakin' long ass model legs
2. your ability to internalize systems and knowledge, then call up said info when needed
3. your honesty
4. your willingness to throw down for the people you love, no matter what
5. your confidence in your intellect

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[info]prosphoros
2009-07-14 01:20 am UTC (link)
Aw, really? 2, 3, and 4 I never would have imagined I necessarily even possess, much less that others might notice and envy. Thanks, for the honest answers and for giving me something to think about.

You inspired part of this post, you know.

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[info]fairyhead
2009-07-14 01:20 pm UTC (link)
You know I don't tell people nice things just to be nice. I've got to believe it or it won't come out of my mouth (or, well, hands).

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[info]scottopic
2009-07-15 05:02 am UTC (link)
Ok, I may be wrong on this, but I'M RIGHT:

We've had a winding road, but in it and through it, even when you've been pissy, I've been pissy, the world's been shitty, job/relationship/stress/angst/changes/deconstruction/everything, I think you're operating from a base of a sincerely good heart. It's not simply good intentions in the aphoristic sense, and not even ends-justifying-means, but as a guidance for living: you start from goodness, it shapes what you do, it enables you to engage when you need to adapt, fix, apologize or learn and results in things which are further goodness.

This isn't a purity test. You're petty, selfish, etc. as a human-being will be - yet even then it's traceable in your eyes and space.

I don't have this. I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way - I believe I manifest most things differently. The envy comes in because I get the sensation that you are doing/being something as I (and We) are meant to do and be, but aren't or won't.

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[info]prosphoros
2009-07-15 11:22 am UTC (link)
Oh, thank you. I try to aim for good, but it's quite another thing to think that it's a starting place, rather than an intended goal.

As for me, I envy the way you appear to move through the world. From my perspective, you walk easily, in calm, centered straight lines where I only see a maze of impenetrable rules, boundaries, lines and walls. I'm not doing this justice; it sounds like just a description, but it's something I both don't understand and envy deeply.

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