just Adrien (prosphoros) wrote,
just Adrien

small plates

I've been very introspective lately (even for me). Small thoughts keep rising to my attention. I'm trying to let them move at their own pace, and not dig too obsessively into them just yet. For documentation purposes:

-What part of lust is envy?

This is a fraught question for me, and I still don't know the answer. I'm trying to entertain the uncertainty and be aware of the question rather than beating myself with it.

-"Maybe you should stop focusing on the outside so much and work on the inside"

An anonymously focused comment from years back. I'm not sure if that was directed to me, but I found something of use in it. Repression, fear, my own inertia and a host of other issues kept(keep?) me from being very forthcoming on my internal work. I still struggle to communicate honestly or authentically, but I try to be more open about the struggle. External work feels like it's hit an impasse, which probably in part hinges on more internal work. Still, some days, fuck the world.

-"I feel like sometimes you want to be a boy or a girl."

My immediate rejection and clarification ("No, I want some of the social things boys and girls get") was externally convincing and internally too smooth, quick and practiced to sit entirely well. Politics, idealism, the biological and social philosophy of bodies: all this and more gets tied up in my head. I strongly suspect I foreclose on the ideal due to perceived current impossibilities. I feel like I suck at living a prefigurative life. I know I'm (too?) afraid of the consequences of failure. There isn't a lot of political cover for "sometimes, in some ways" when it comes to gender, sex, bodies and manifestation.

-When is silence death, and when is it tactical?

I suuuuck at knowing the difference. I feel as though I'm too silent too often (zB, I allow my co-workers to assume I'm a straight guy without challenging their attempts at (coercive to me) inclusion in sexist and essentialist generalizations). It often feels too complicated, and unsafe, to confront them in a way that will create space for me. I note when I'm silent as personal failures, and feel increasingly alienated.
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